On October 18, 2015, I woke up with a slight hangover and a mountain of guilt. I had let myself down, again, but I had also let other people down. I felt like a horrible person, someone I didn’t recognize. I had finally had enough – enough of letting alcohol be the most important relationship in my life
Was I scared? Hell yes. My voice was quaking as I told my husband I was going to stop drinking – and I might have to go to meetings. I wasn’t sure what a life without alcohol would look like, but I was sure that a life with alcohol was awful. I was past the illusion that alcohol was ‘fun’ and that I could moderate my drinking. I had played that game of justifying my drinking for too long – there was no room for any more excuses.
Was it hard? Yes, and, no. Making a firm decision meant that I no longer had to wrestle with my own thoughts about drinking. It allowed me to let go of the behavior of drinking – the challenge became the ‘how to not drink’ vs. the ‘how do I keep drinking’. For me, that was a place of relief that made it easier. The hard part was not craving alcohol, instead it centered around the anxious energy that had me pacing the floors and walking in circles (literally). I felt like I was crawling out of my skin and I had too much time and energy. So, I decided to take my excess energy and enroll in nutrition school. At the time, it was a leap of faith, but I have since realized that having something to look forward to, something exciting that represents life ‘beyond alcohol’ can be a key factor in lasting change.
After that one decision almost 9 years ago, my life has unfolded in ways I could only have imagined. While I felt in my gut that I was meant for more, I had spent so long tamping down my dreams and ideas that I had no idea what might lie ahead. I have always been a ‘personal growth junkie’ listening to Zig Ziglar on cassette tapes and joining several MLM’s to rub shoulders with other dreamers. But my dreams were always plagued with doubts that I could do more and be more. I now recognize that alcohol was a way to soften the blow of an unfulfilled life. While I had a strong marriage and a beautiful family, and the privilege that comes with being a white, middle-class woman, I was dying a bit inside. I had stopped trusting my gut and I had stopped believing in myself. That was a lonely place to be.
Here are 4 things that I have embraced in my AF life:
- Vulnerability – choosing to become AF and to live an alcohol-free life out loud (like, actually tell people!) is a deep dive into vulnerability.
- Imperfection – I used to let uncertainty and looking foolish hold me back. I thought that playing small kept me safe. I now realize that I can make mistakes and admit mistakes and I will survive. And, sometimes, I will even feel BETTER.
- Risk – I started trusting myself again – allowing myself to take bigger risks knowing that I had my own back. For so long, I was unsure of myself; my ‘no’ didn’t mean ‘no’ and my ‘yes’ didn’t mean ‘yes’. I was paralyzed from taking risks.
- Friendships – I lived my whole life wondering if I was a good friend. Was I deserving of close girlfriends? Living a life aligned with my true self has allowed me the gift of friendship. I no longer hold back and instead I lean in. I now see myself as someone who is a good friend and who has good friends – what a beautiful shift!
Next week I will share 5 more things I have learned in these past 9 years!
*Also: Last chance to join Empowered AF 5X Coaching Certification Program – if you have been thinking or dreaming about becoming a certified Alcohol-Free coach, please check out Karolina’s offer. Use this link to apply AND save $1000.00!
